|Pic courtesy: http://mizzeebellerai.blogspot.com|
OLD DIARIES: Continued…………..
There were times when I was hurt and could not say anything to my husband, I used to tell God off. I felt that since He was my EVERYTHING, He had better have an answer to my problems. One day I told him, “If it were in my earthly father’s power to change the circumstances of my life, he would have done it in a jiffy. But you who are dumb [I meant that literally], and having all the powers in the world and whom I consider my father are not doing anything about it. I hate you.” This message of hatred from me was as strong as my messages of love for HIM. No half measures for me. When I say, “I love you, God’ I say it with all the love I have in me and I said the hate message in the same way.
One not so fine day, I was feeling quite depressed in the morning [24.1.03]. I went up to my sami alamari (the shelf where the Gods’ pictures are kept) and told Him very clearly, ‘I am feeling low. Now please don’t you send one of your damn books to me for clarification. I don’t want them. I am in fact very sick of them. Send me your message in some other way, a way in which I can accept it.”
Pat came the reply in the form of Anu right in the evening, just a few hours after my request. “Thattungal, thirakkappadum” (The door opens when you knock) is a fact. Please believe it. Faith can move mountains. Anu had not contacted me for the past 3½ years, mind you. She called me that very evening and promised to visit me the very next day.
Anu arrived quite early at 7.45 in the morning and we talked till 12.45 in the night, or should I say the next morning. I did not even bother to have a bath. I just cooked twice and we kept talking non-stop. My Messiah had come.
I discussed my problems with her and asked her for advice on how to rectify them, etc. She gave me a lot of advice and gave some to my husband too. She asked to pray to God for dissolution.
Let me explain a couple of things here. We were taught in our classes that we can pray to God for whatever and He will give us either a solution or dissolution as we request to Him. A solution is actually getting what you asked for, and dissolution is something that takes away the pain in your need and you not missing what you did not get. Now, those of you who know me would very well understand that I was never the one for the latter. I always asked for solutions. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I did not.
Now getting back to Anu’s visit - as I mentioned earlier, she came as a messenger in reply to my prayers. I had mentioned to her about how I keep getting answers to my questions. She advised me very strongly to hold on to this thread of connection and continue my quest. This was on the 24th of January, 2003. On 25th evening, my Conversations With God began. Yeah, very simply, with no fanfare, no racket - He walked into my heart quietly in the form of my ANTARYAAMIN and has taken over my life. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel.